Category: 2020 Edition

Sneaker on a Landline

by Raki Jordan

I hang from my hairs on a landline,
twirling and rocking back and forth in the sky,
hairs intertwined with each other –
body possessed by wind, signaling
which direction it’s traveling to.

 

I grew accustomed to the Bronx’s elements –
the wretched sun’s blazing heat
morphs my leather skin into a vile
shrunken shell, and winter casts me into
a silhouette of ice, and it suspends me in time.

 

Air Jordan is engraved in my tongue,
and the sides of my neck are forever stained
with a bleeding check, fading, slowly oozing
down to my soles that had been twisted
and froze in place.

 

My insides been occupied by birds:
Sparrows, Pigeons—their eggs,
the abundance of twigs, discarded plastic bags
and old leaves; their remains aligned my guts.
I whimpered when winter visits, and they fly
to a new home—leaving me dangling;

 

Take me with you, Bird! I’ll think to myself,
wishing they’ll wait for me as I spun on this
landline, from them using me to launch themselves
further in the sky—they never turned back.

 

I become lifeless again.

 

The man I’m dangling above is lifeless too –
Red dye oozing slowly from his head –
Mouth agape, eyes stuck between squinting and
wide open, like a porcelain doll, arms and legs
twisted behind each other—body punctured with holes
that looks like mines aligning the sides of my body.

 

I wonder if they’ll hang him from a landline –
draping his body over the thick, black, wire –
tying his hair together so he can dangle,
and rock slowly, when wind blows across his body?

 

Will he smell of sweat or corroded leather?
Will anyone notice him dangling or will he
just be another sneaker on a landline?

 


Raki Jordan is an avid reader, who enjoys writing pieces that’ll encourage thought-provoking interpretations of his works. Jordan is inspired by his everyday life, capturing the often bitter, sweetness of his environment and society.

 

Saudade

by Destiny Quiles

As I walk down the flight of stairs that separates me from the pavement of the sidewalk, I take a second to realize how funny it is that I am going down a rabbit hole–away from the outside world and into a new chaos. Once I get to the bottom of the stairs, I take my Metro Card out from my wallet and swipe through to the other side. As I walk down the next set of stairs, I am not sure which way to go. Which direction will lead me closer to the exit once I get off? Should I go left, should I go right, or stay in the middle? I have to choose, but that has always been such an unnecessarily complicated thing for me since childhood.  

I realize I am going to be waiting here for eight minutes so I can think about that later. I walk around the bag of chips whose contents have been spilled all over the ground, past the gum on the pavement which has now become like a fossil, and over to the nearest seat available: a brown bench with elbow rests that sections off to make six seats. A partially bald, elderly man with white hair sits on the furthest end. I look down at the bench to see which seat I will take. Small puddles of water that someone probably spilled fill the first seat. The one next to it seems as clean as it’s going to get, and I sit there. I look left and right, as people pass by. Some move hastily and others seem to have no clue what is going on in front of them, just what is in the palm of their hand. 

I hear click clack, click clack from both the women walking in heels and the trains passing by this stop. A suddenly loud screech from a train coming to a stop, across the platform, pierces my ears. I squint my face and my hands fly to cover my ears from the noise that is piercing through my body. A little girl walks past me: holding her stuffed animal bunny, wearing cute little boots, leggings, a puffy jacket and two curly blonde pig tails, holding her mother’s hand, crying loudly as ever. She says something as she is crying but it sounds like a foreign baby language to me. Her mother is shushing her but that isn’t helping. The mother begins to show embarrassment on her face. Her cheeks blush and her head lowers as the noise coming from her daughter becomes louder and more people begin to stare. The little girl’s mother picks her up, rocks her up and down and sways her side to side; and to everyone’s relief, the little girl begins to quiet down. When I was a little girl around her age, twenty years ago, I was not one to throw tantrums or cry much. But there was a time one day, after my mom, my grandmother, and I spent a full day together, enjoying our time in the city.  I do not remember most of that day, but I will never forget our way home. 

We sat in red and orange seats, with a window behind us so I could look outside while I listened to my mother and grandmother converse. My mom and I lived two stops away from my grandmother on the 4 train. I knew my grandmother would get off at Kingsbridge Road, my mom and I at Moshulu Parkway. Coming from Manhattan, we had a long way to go. I was having such a good time, my mom to the left of me, my grandmother to the right. I felt loved and happy that I was with the both of them. 

“Next stop, Kingsbridge Road.”  

“What?” I think, “Already?” I sit up straight. “No!” 

My grandmother asks, “Do you want to come to my house to spend the night or stay with mommy?” In one movement before I can answer, my grandmother is standing at the opening of the train doors. The doors open, and my grandmother stands up and holds out her hands. “C’mon Des, do you want to come, or do you want to stay?” Again, before I can answer, she begins to step out of the train we were all on and begins to walk away, towards the stairs. I look back to my mom and again to my grandmother. Then I kiss my mom and run out of the train towards my grandmother.

Out on the platform, I look through the window and see my mother sitting at the corner of the train as the doors close. Holding my grandmother’s hand, I reach out the other towards my mom and scream. But the train hasn’t moved yet. I let go of my grandmothers’ hand and run to the train doors. The train doors open; I run to my moms’ lap, my arms hug her neck, and I immediately stop crying. Kneeling on the seat, I look out the window and cry again and reach my hands out to my grandmother through the window as the train begins to leave. I come off my knees, snuggle against my mom’s stomach as I cry. She places her hand on my head and consoles me. Although I am sad that we all could not be together, I am happy with the decision I made to go home with my mom. As the train leaves the stop, I wipe my tears and smile, knowing I will be home. 

As this memory flows through me, I realize I hold on to it even now as an adult. I still feel the sadness and longing of the little girl I was twenty years ago. Unwilling to make a choice between the people you love: and when you make that choice, you hope that the choice you aren’t making, the one you left without, doesn’t feel unloved…  Click clack, click clack. I rouse myself and stand up from my seat.  The wind blows hard against my face as the next train rushes into the station. Suddenly, everything comes to a stop and there is a moment where everything is silent. The doors open in front of me.

 


Destiny Quiles is a 24-year-old, self-employed, college student. She was born and raised in the Bronx by a young, single mother. At the age of four, she lost her father, and by the age of six, she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. Hence, she has dedicated her life to improving the health of herself and others through her business and pursuing education. She is currently running a business as a Personal Trainer and coaching clients through their journey to grow and become the version of themselves that they strive to be. She wishes to inspire and empower individuals with her story and her practices. Her future plans include applying to Medical School to become a Physician, as well as publishing an autobiography in order to inspire and build self-empowerment in those who have experienced loss and illness.

Primp and Polish

by Suzzette Jimenez

[Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

She blew out her bangs with a large round brush as she got ready for work.  She feared the thinner round brush could not do the job of elongating the hair enough to hide the bruised bump that lies beneath it.  The curl could rise up too much leaving the remnants of last night’s argument with her boyfriend of two years protruding for the world to see.  The feeling of utter disappointment would sink in with each stroke of the brush.  “What would my mother think of me now?”  A nagging question festering since that first moment she reluctantly decided to stay and work things out with him.  Festering to the point where the stench of it suffocated her as she got ready in the spacious bathroom of her ground floor one bedroom apartment.  Since the day they first toured the apartment she loved the bathroom most.  It was nothing compared to her old one back in her sixth floor walk up in New York City.  She could actually walk in it!  It had a huge tub you could pretty much sleep in, which was actually how she spent some of her nights since moving in.  There was plenty of counter space for toiletries or succulents, one of the largest mirrors she had ever seen in a bathroom, and enough wall space to fill with frames of cliché love quotes: such as the one currently hanging on her beige painted wall with the words that said “Love will set you free.”  A creature comfort that made staying in this place with him a little more tolerable.

She moved to the other side of the country a year and a half after meeting a Phoenix boy who swept her off her feet.  She met him on a cold, winter night in the city that never sleeps, but the flame that sparked between them burned any thought in her mind about going back to what’s his name.  Bright eyed and ready for a new start.  Eager to make a new life.  Eager to forget her previous seven-year relationship.  She remembered when she first landed in Sky Harbor International how the coolness of her skin from the airport’s air conditioning was greeted by a thick wall of almost unbearable heat once she stepped outside.  It felt like opening an oven door in the middle of a heat wave.  The asphalt was so hot you could literally fry an egg on it.  The blurred heat rising from the red rock formations in the backdrop, a change of scenery from the concrete jungle she came from.  The brightness of the blazing sun casting a shadow behind her like the devil’s tail. An unbeknownst red flag of the hell she was walking into.  Still her sense of adventure overpowered her need for straight hair and blow dries.  

As she carelessly rolled the brush with her left hand through her coarse hair, the heat against her face brought her back to that first day she stepped foot off the plane.  Contemplating the girl who walked through the revolving doors of that airport and the life she left behind.  Despite the shared bed with her mother back home, the constant sightings of her ex with his fiancee in the neighborhood, the tiresome hours of that old retail job, her spirit was never broken.  She started each day on a positive note.  Who she was then looks nothing like the person she is becoming now.  “What happened to that girl?” she thinks over and over.   Her mother’s daughter.  Strength of a lion.  Confident.  Driven.  Always objective and clear headed.  She frequently tried to emulate the woman who raised her.  Her mother had left her own husband after 20 years of misery, learned English through a GED program persevering until she received her Bachelor’s degree, all while raising her and her four siblings. 

Her brain bombarded with questions as she applied her mascara.  “So, what has changed?  Is this what love does?  Is it supposed to change who you are to the point where you are unrecognizable to yourself in your oversized mirror?  Does it make you completely lose sight of your moral compass?  Is it supposed to make you second guess what words you choose to speak at any given moment?  Does the need to be entirely enveloped by the passion and adoration of another, subdue and stifle the person that dwells within your own heart?  Does it give you the right to think that you could change the sins of your father? That you could right the wrongs of your mother’s past?”  These thoughts raced through her mind like a high speed bullet train. It made her dizzy, her head pounding with such powerful intensity that she thought it might explode.  She stops, places the brush in its designated basket, to take a look in the mirror.

As she gazed at her reflection, near perfection in appearance, all she feels is disgust for having lost her power to fight back.  A rampant repulsion coursing through her blood from her brain, to her toes, and back up to her heart.  An ugliness has planted itself within her and has brought upon guilt for the soul that she now carries.  Like vigorous, twining vines growing on the side of a brick building it creeps into the crevices and cracks of her foundation.  Slowly breaking her spirit.  Eroding away the very essence that makes her who she is.  How much longer could she keep this façade of a happy life for all to see?  Suppressing a sick and twisted love to look like an epic fairytale.  More questions.  More racing thoughts.  Are the answers in this mirror?  Is the person on the other side living the life she came here to find?  Is the young woman in that world living a life of uncried tears and reverse heartbreaks?

  If so, she longed to switch places.  As she rubbed red lipstick onto her pale lips she yearned to be the girl on the other side.  Become who she imagines in her mirror image.  She was so close she could reach out and touch her.  She raised her hand to meet her reflection’s, as if placing her hand on the mirror could transport her to this alternate reality.  What if she broke this magical looking glass?  Would that release this imagined utopia?  Would it spill out like a rushing river into this 7 x 10 room that she has used as her place of sanctuary for months now?  Would the colors, the laughs, the warm sunbeams of morning light, the love, the flowers, the symphonies of music, and the whispering words of sweet nothings at night, escape into the dreariness of this agonizing actuality?  Or would it shatter to pieces and leave her with nothing but false hopes?  Broken shards of a made-up existence.  Silence.  She removes her clammy palm from the muse like image that stood before her.  Snapping out of a trance like state.  Nothing happens.  Everything is the same as it was.

After the primping and polishing is complete, she slowly walks from the bathroom through the L shaped hallway to her living room, to her front door, places her hand on the cold metal doorknob, and pauses for a moment.  “What if today was the day?  The day she finally decided to leave.”  These thoughts rapidly entered her mind like neurons firing in her brain.  She could make this the last time she’d ever walk out this door again.  No longer would she have to submit to the rule of his iron hand.  She could walk off into the fiery sunset amidst the mountainous range in the backdrop restored, renewed, reinvigorated.  Yet the nagging feeling deep in the pit of her stomach reminded her of the fear of having to face alone what grows inside her.  Quickly, she snaps out of her trance, takes a deep breath, and puts on a brave smile.

 


Suzzette Jimenez is a student at LaGuardia Community College who found her passion for writing at a very young age. Over the years, most of her writing consisted of personal pieces, including published works for local community organizations, and her travel blog. In 2018, she created “The Working Wanderer,” a blog dedicated to her other passion for traveling around the world, all while working a full-time job in New York City’s hospitality industry. She wanted to illustrate that you didn’t have to trade one dream for another; you could work in a career that you love and live out your passions. As a mother of one—with another on the way, Suzzette realizes the importance of demonstrating this balance and hopes to expand her writing career in the years to come.

Jumper

by Berniya Dudley

[Trigger Warning: Suicide]

As I stand here and think about the events that led me to this bridge, I hear a car door slam close. I instantly freeze. I just wait. Suddenly, I can feel someone’s presence. 

“Hey! What are you doing?” a man’s voice yells from behind me, but I don’t turn around. I stay silent. His voice isn’t angry; it is surprisingly calm. In my head, I wonder the same thing. What am I doing up here? How did I get to this point? Where did I go wrong? The night in question is still a blur for me. I remember brief details about the night, but not enough to make sense of what happened. I can’t seem to fix my words, to tell the truth, but I can’t lie either. My silence wasn’t good enough for him, so he begins to climb over the railing. As he climbs over, I can hear a struggle and it takes a minute for him to get completely over. 

“Please stop.” I say this as firmly as possible. I try to put bass in my voice, but who am I kidding. I was never a confrontational person. “I’m not worth it. Please leave me alone.” I don’t hear him struggling to get up here. All I hear is the bridge moan with the passing breeze. I hoped he’d climb back over and forget all about me. Go on with his day, after all, it’s beautiful out. It’s sweater weather, which in my opinion is the best weather of all. Not too hot, not too cold. I love this time of the year. The air is nice and crisp, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just exactly what we need after those summer days. 

Back when I was younger, my grandfather used to bring my sister and me to this fall festival held in town, just around this time of the year. It was always beautiful weather. The leaves outside were nice and crunchy; our street was filled with so many wonderful colors. My sister and I never knew when grandfather would come to take us to the festival; it was always spontaneous. He would come to the house and call our names as soon as my mom opened the door. “Olivia! Shawn! Let’s go! It’s festival time.” When we heard his voice we would always race to our rooms to get dressed. “Don’t forget a sweater!” He would always say this when he heard us at the top of the stairs, and of course we would always have to go back up and grab one. I enjoyed the time I spent with our grandfather. I always wanted children, so I could share a beautiful experience like that with them, but I just never got around to having any. Too bad this is something I will never get to experience again. After the accident, my sister decided it was best for no one to know that we were related. She denies all my calls, but I still leave voicemails hoping she’ll listen to at least one. 

The man finally appears next to me.  I guess I was too deep in my thoughts to notice him get over the second railing that led to the edge of the bridge. Too focused on the things that I should have cherished more to notice a boat had passed by. All I can see are the left-over waves that crash against the bridge and the foam-like residue in the water. So here we are. We both stand on the ledge in silence, avoiding eye contact. I am afraid to even talk. I spot a cloud that looks like a whale if I squint my eyes long enough. The sound of movement causes me to break my train of thought. The man removes his jacket and places it on the side of the rail and sits down on the ledge. 

“Please leave. I don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve done enough bad in this community.” I am confused by his actions. He still doesn’t say a word, just goes in his jacket pocket and pulls out two granola bars. He reaches up towards me with his left hand stretched out so I can see what he’s offering me. 

“Want?” He holds the granola bar up for a couple of seconds giving me a moment to choose. And for a second, a very brief second, I consider taking it. It’s only 11 o’clock in the morning and that coffee and bagel I got from the diner nearby has been fully digested. I could eat again, but what would be the point of that? It would just go to waste. Shaking my head back and forth, I refuse. My emotions are all over the place; I thought I would be able to do this alone, no witnesses. I must have lost track of the time because now there are more cars passing by and a handful of people starting to gather.

“No, thank you.” It comes out very bland, I was hoping not to come off as rude. My mother didn’t raise me to be disrespectful no matter what situation I am in. As a child, my mom taught us manners, and said that our character will take us a long way in life. I wish I could call her at a time like this. But, what would I say? “Hey Mom, how was your day? Oh, mine is great too, just standing on a ledge because I can’t be a man and face what I did.” I’m sure she’d love that, right? What would I tell her in these last moments? There’s nothing to say. The man talks for me. 

“Out of all the healthy things my wife forces on me, these will always be my favorite,” he says as he opens the pack and takes a bite. Crumbs break off and fall on his lap. When he notices, he rolls his eyes and lets out a slight sigh. As he swipes the crumbs off his lap and into the water, he asks me “You live in the area?” I think about how I’ll respond. “I used to. Now I am no longer welcomed here.” My voice is almost a whisper because I know that any moment now, he’s going to recognize who I am. I’ve been avoiding eye contact for so long. 

Why don’t I just jump now? He doesn’t seem like he’s leaving anyway. I don’t want to do this in front of him though. Something deep inside of me doesn’t want to do it at all. “When will you leave?” I ask him boldly as if I am truly ready to jump. He looks me straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll leave when you climb back over the rail. Or when you answer my first question.” After talking he just waits for an answer or some type of movement. “Don’t you know who I am?” I look at his puzzled face. His eyebrows were lowered, and he stared at me long and hard trying to piece something sensible together. He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. I’ll never be ready. The body never is, so I’ll have to force myself to do it. 

“I am the reason why an innocent mother lays in a hospital bed fighting for her life. I decided to get drunk one evening with my friends and blacked out. I’m out on bond. I don’t deserve to survive and breathe after something like that.” I turn to look at him and maybe he’s too shocked to say anything because he’s quiet. He hasn’t said much this entire time. 

“That night, I had a fight with my wife and she kicked me out. Our marriage was already struggling, to be honest. I was working odd hours and staying at work later than usual. We were both hoping that I got the promotion coming up. I worked overtime and put in more work than anyone else in that company and yet I was passed over!” I pause to get myself together. 

“I don’t know. I just didn’t expect things to unfold the way they did.” He’s looking at me now. In the beginning, he was listening but now he’s truly hearing me. I can see in his eyes that he wants to say something instead he remains silent. “We’ve been together since freshman year of college and now she has another man in the house that we made a home. She claims that I didn’t have enough time for her, the overtime and all the work was for us!” The man places both hands on the ledge of the bridge and pushes himself up making sure to put all his weight on the railing. “I was working to secure a better future for both of us and when I didn’t get the promotion, she started sleeping with another man and looking at me as though I was less of a man. So I went out drinking with the boys that night.” 

“Is that scar from the accident?” he asks and points to my arm. I lift my arm and just stare at the scar. It was from the accident. During the impact, my head hit the steering wheel, and when I opened my eyes blood was leaking down my face. I tried to wipe my face with my shirt but I couldn’t tell where the blood was coming from, my body felt numb. The scar isn’t from the impact though, after I woke up I went to the woman’s vehicle to see if she was okay. Her door was locked so I used my elbow to break the glass and as I reached into the car the glass cut my arm. In total, I received 23 stitches in both my arm and my head.

 “Yes, it is.” I sigh and shake my head disappointed by my actions. “I should’ve listened to my friends when they said I shouldn’t drive, I just wanted to talk to my wife. I was willing to beg for her to take me back. I wanted to prove to her that I could be a man, a provider, and even a father. I just lost control of the car. I felt like I was going in and out of consciousness. Even after the crash, I hadn’t realized what I had done. It took me a while to sober up.” The man stares at me intensely, and then reaches for my hand. I pull away. 

“No! Just leave me alone!” I yell. 

“You don’t have to do this, things will get better.” He looks at me as if he actually believes going to jail for life is better than taking my own. I can hear the sirens of a police car approaching the bridge. One of the bystanders must have called the police. That’s when I realize that either way, I’ll be dead inside. I don’t have my wife, my sister won’t talk to me or return my calls, and if I don’t jump now I’ll end up being arrested before the actual trial.

It’s time to go.

 


Berniya Dudley is a Liberal Arts: Social Science and Humanities major at LaGuardia Community College in New York City. She was born and raised in Manhattan. The Lit is her first publication. Berniya also works as a Veterinary Assistant in an Animal Clinic located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.  

Pretty Girl

by Nicolle Jaramillo

[trigger warning: sexual assault]

 

I could be a pretty girl
I’ll wear a skirt for you.

–Clairo, “Pretty Girl”

 

I’m 5 years old or maybe 6 already, it doesn’t matter. I’m in the first grade waiting in line, although I can’t remember why. For the first time I feel someone’s hands — someone else’s hands on me, moving around and feeling me. I turn around, furiously confused, to the kid in my class with the most atrocious bowl cut I’ve ever seen smiling at me. I know this is wrong. I know this is disrespectful, my mom told me to never let anyone touch me there–or anywhere for that matter –but still I can’t figure out why. I shriek and run up to my first-grade teacher Ms. Sullivan, who’s at the front of the line, and tell her what had happened. I remember that the boy was named Kevin, because her stern face called him over to her, after she told me not to worry and called me a “pretty girl.”

X

I’m 7 or so now, not much older than the first time Kevin laid his hands on me, but that’s not on my mind anymore. My mom and I are headed towards my friend Jimmy’s house; we were in the same class in kindergarten and our moms became friends through us. What I didn’t know then was that Jimmy had some kind of crush on me, and that his mother encouraged this as well. I would grow to hate this family so much over the years, for many reasons,while my parents got closer to them, until they couldn’t stand them either: but all of that comes later. Our mothers are in the living room chatting, and so were we until one of us got the idea to imitate Spongebob. Back then Spongebob was still something kids liked and wasn’t forced down our throats, as it is now for ratings. In the “Krusty Krab Training” episode, our favorite character Spongebob washes his hands continuously until they disappeared. We wanted to try this out and see if our hands would disappear if we washed them as long as Spongebob did, and for that we headed to the bathroom. After a few attempts of scrubbing our hands furiously and giggling and our mothers yelling to not waste so much soap and water, Jimmy decides to close the door.

“Nicolle, I want to show you something,” he says while tugging at his pants. Remember, I’m seven now: so I know a little more than I did when I was six, and I know that private parts are called private for a reason. I closed my eyes and yelled at him not to. After a moment of silence I open them and saw him holding “it” in his hand and looking at me with a serious face. I freak out. This is the first time I’ve ever seen someone else’s privates and I feel disgusted. I run out of the bathroom and look at my mom and his mom. I couldn’t tell them what happened. I knew he shouldn’t have done that and that it was wrong, but I didn’t know how to tell my mom. I say nothing and they assume we went on to play another game. I never end up telling my mom what happened in the bathroom and I stop thinking of Jimmy as a friend and more like a creep. That night when we leave, his mom tells me I’m such a pretty girl.

X

I’m now in middle school and I’ve had to withstand Jimmy’s gross passes, like hugging me from behind and grasping me so tightly; no matter how hard I tried to get out I couldn’t, while he made weird noises. His mother would laugh and talk about how “cute” we were even though we didn’t share mutual feelings. Her laughter would be heard over my screams of protests and when I acted out or tried to punch or pull my way free. I was the one who would get reprimanded for my actions. A kid in my 7th grade ELA class, who was often known for acting out and bringing attention to himself, would tell me while looking me up and down, that I’m “growing into such a nice body, pretty girl.”

X

Walking home from school or walking to school or on the train the neighborhood bums and drunks stare at a pre-adolescent girl with watery eyes, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. A short drunk almost my height calls me “hermosa” and blows me a kiss.

X

I’m now sixteen and starting my junior year in high school. Rumors start to spread about a boy in some of my classes, asking about me. I’d hear my name being whispered by the same voice but every time I’d turn around no one would say anything. The first time he talked to me, he asked if I wanted to buy cookies he was selling for his soccer team. A few days later my friend informed me that he was asking around for my snapchat.hen I got his request, I accepted to see what he had to say to me. After his attempt at small talk, he tells me I’m a pretty girl, and that he’s been asking around about me because he’s been too shy to talk to me. For the first time I believe that I am a pretty girl.

We keep talking for several weeks and become friends, until he abruptly kissed me while walking me home from the mall. I still remember the date, November 3rd. For the first time my feelings reciprocated those of another who liked me. Shortly after that we start dating and he is more comfortable and confident with me. He shares his misogynistic views on how women “can’t” drive and how men are smarter than women. I am no longer a pretty girl but rather “his” girl. He starts to talk to me about sex and I tell him I’ve always felt uncomfortable talking about it. He says he respects that. He doesn’t. He starts to bring up sex in everything conversation, so much so that I feel brainwashed into giving in to him.

The day that it happens I am late to his house from trying to avoid running into my mom on the streets, after she drops me off at the bus stop. He is restless; cmon babe hurry up I just wanna be inside you, be your first, he messages me. When I finally get to his apartment, I get a warm welcome from his dog Micky, who seems to be the only one who cares about my feelings. Not even halfway into the apartment, he starts trying to take off my clothes. Eventually what happens happens: because I think I am ready for it, I think he really loves me, I think we are in love, I think I am a pretty girl. I later come to blame myself for the hurt, because it was me who let him inside me. It starts to hurt like nothing else I’ve ever felt down there or anywhere else. I let out an agonizing scream and tell him to stop; I am not aroused, I am definitely in pain.

“It’s gonna hurt babe, it’s gonna hurt the first time,” he keeps repeating while pushing further as I keep screaming in pain for him to stop.

I think about the way I was raised, how I grew up being a good kid most of time, always calm and quiet and dependent on God. Please God please forgive me for this, don’t punish me, I think while turning my head to the side. It starts to hurt so bad my arms move by themselves to try to push him off, like a reflex.

“Stop trying to push me,” he says.

When it is over he tells me I am bleeding and gives me a paper towel. We walk to school like nothing happens and we miss AP English.

“That was terrible,” he says to me about it. Suddenly I am not a pretty girl anymore; I am not even “his” girl. I am terrible. We go on like nothing happened for the rest of the day. I get home and lay on my bed and turn on my music. I hear Lana Del Rey ask me: “is innocence lost?” And I don’t know if it is, or if it already has been.

X

I haven’t felt like a pretty girl in a long time; so long that I can’t remember when I haven’t been thinking about how big my nose looks, or whose makeup looks better than mine. When I don’t put on makeup to go out, the whole world makes a big deal about it. My grandma motions to me to at least put on some lipstick by running her finger around her lips. My mother scolds me for going out on family days looking like death for not “fixing” myself.

“You’re going out like that?” my aunt asks me when I’m headed out the door bare-faced.

“Asi te ves bonita,” my grandmother says with a smile, when she catches me putting on makeup, on the days that I feel like trying.

I can’t look at myself without staring into my eyes for a while. I don’t know what these experiences mean in terms of how I am perceived as an actual person, but I do know that to everyone else I’m only a pretty girl for a while. I’m only pretty when I get male attention, I’m only pretty when I let things slide, I’m only pretty when I wear somewhat revealing clothing, I’m only pretty when I have something to offer, I’m only pretty when I fix my face with makeup. I’ve been called a pretty girl so many times for different things; but I truly do not know what it feels like to be a pretty girl or to be called one, without the feeling of disgust running through me.

 


Nicolle Jaramillo is a second-year student at LaGuardia Community College who will be transferring to Hunter College in Fall 2020. She is currently studying Childhood Education with a concentration in English. As a childhood education major with a concentration in English, she has trained to perform highly in different fields such as journalism, creative non-fiction writing, and creating lesson plans.

Born and raised in New York City, she is of Peruvian descent. She grew up absorbing the different cultures around Queens. Her hobbies include guitar playing, writing poetry, and knitting. Authors and poets such as Lang Leav, Emily Dickinson, and Oscar Wilde inspire her to keep pursuing poetry as well as trying different genres of writing.

Where To Go Dancing One Night, Alone in the City

by Michael McGuire

Linh wanted to go dancing one night, alone in the city they never knew existed before setting foot there. Which is to say that it was there all along, the city, but Linh wasn’t inside of it. It’s simple, you see, when something is there, it doesn’t seem so much to someone who’s never been there. And when they finally are, then it is real to them. Analogically, it is much the question of the tree in the forest: If it is not seen growing, was it ever a sapling? …Is that the question which is asked? It is to Linh, anyway, right now. If a tree was never a sapling, when and where does it exist? And why?

Forever lost in these thoughts is Linh. Which is a main reason why they wanted to go out dancing one night, alone in the city.

It was a Wednesday night. Hump day, as it is referred to in our manner of speaking in colloquialisms only: “Case of the Mondays”; “Tuesday’s Gone”; “Hump Day” (as we have mentioned); “Thirsty Thursday”; “Thank god it’s Friday”; “The Freakin’ Weekend.” Maybe these aren’t so much colloquialisms as faint-hearted gasps of inner turmoil. For, as we should say, each day is more or less the same one as yesterday: the same one as tomorrow. All days are equal, at least to Linh. Which is why they didn’t think twice about going out dancing on a Wednesday, alone in the city.

“Please be kind, I have misplaced my identification,” they said at their moment with the doorman. “I don’t wish to drink but a Coca Cola. But to dance until the doors lock me out, whenever that should happen tonight.”

The doorman replied, “This place doesn’t serve alcohol, I didn’t ask for your ID, and we close in 30 minutes, because it’s a Chuck E Cheese. Also there’s no dancing here. You wanna jump in the ball pit, have at it.”

Linh smiled the width of their face, bowed to the doorman, and entered the establishment in which they had found themself.

They peered around the room. Not too many people there, of course. It was 9pm on a Wednesday night. Children’s birthday parties don’t seem to happen as late, generally. But it was the perfect time for Linh to go dancing, alone in the city. Of course, there was no dancing there. But no matter…a slice of pizza, a Coca Cola, the ball pit. That was enough for Linh.

They moseyed to the nearest table and gazed down at it. “What a table!” they thought. “What a table indeed!” They eagerly pulled back the chair nearest to them – it was a square table, I should mention, with four sides as squares will have – and plopped down. Not a moment later, the server came up with bold annoyance on their face.

“Hello, welcome to Chuck E Cheese, where children often come with their parents for birthday parties. May I start you-”

“Hello!” said Linh with glee. “This is my first time. What’s good here?”

The server stared for a moment, their attitude shifting toward a sort of bewilderment. “Uh, well…I’m gonna be straight with you. There’s nothing good here. I mean to eat. We have pizza-”

“Pizza! I love a good slice of pizza. How many can I order at once?”

The server giggled slightly- falling out of the lips and into thin air, waiting for nothing in return. “You should just get a whole pie, right?”

“Yes! A pie too! I like all of the fruit kinds. You can keep the pumpkins.”

The server laughed out loud. The kind of laugh that goes ringing through deserted Chuck E Cheeses on a Wednesday night near closing time, with no children having birthday parties, and no parents sitting ‘round sharing their chatter about their children’s birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

“Dude, we do not have those kinds of pies. We have pizza pies. Larges have 8 slices. Order two if you’d like. But come on. I gotta get the hell outta here at a reasonable hour.”

Linh slouched for a moment, looking down at the watch on their left wrist. “I suppose it is a bit late. How about just a slice? Whatever you have already made. Or, rather, just a Coca Cola to go.”

The server’s eyes fell on Linh’s watch the way eyes will when shown something they’ve never seen before. This watch was different, at least to the server. What they saw was something like a summer sky upon a circular face. There was no minute hand, nor hour hand, nor second hand, but 11 dots all circling each other randomly. In and out of focus they went to the server, and with each blink, it seemed, one of the dots would melt into the blue of the watch face with another appearing somewhere else on the watch face. However, it seemed most curious to the server that although there were certainly 11 dots always, there were never 9, which was the time on that Wednesday at Chuck E Cheese.

The server snapped their eyes quickly back to Linh’s, whose own were busy staring over at the ball pit and its balls of all the colors of the rainbow. Thousands, there must have been. Coated in the saliva and urine of filthy little children perhaps, thought Linh with a look of glee. How much fun those children must have been having all day today in that ball pit!

Now, even though all of this happened, it was only a number of seconds that passed before the server replied, “I tell you what. I’ll make sure there’s time for a pizza to be made. And I’ll throw in a Coke, on me.”

Linh looked sad for a moment. And then replied, “I’ll have it in a glass bottle, if you’ve got it.”

The server looked at Linh a moment before saying softly, “I’ll see what I can find.”

There was something about Linh sitting there that troubled the poor server. The server left them at the table, but on Linh’s face seemed a quiet air of purity. The server wondered what had brought this person into Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday night. The server also wondered how long it was going to take for Linh to eat, partially digest, and leave that evening, and if they’d be alright getting home.

Linh – sitting patiently for a dinner they hadn’t planned on eating, and a Coco Cola they were almost certain would not come in a glass bottle – looked about the room with a child’s wonderment. Glancing again to the ball pit, they got up. Walking slowly, so as not to seem too eager perhaps, they counted their steps. One with the left, two with the right- no, that’s not how it’s done, thought Linh. Trying again, one with the right, one with the left; right, left, right, left. They landed the tips of their toes before their heels; and thinking, again, that this isn’t how it was done, they corrected the patterns to be heel-toe, heel-toe. And even this seemed odd to Linh: so they began a sort of shuffle, then quickly into a gentle gallop, until they finally, after what seemed like eternity, reached the ball pit.

Linh peered into the pit. “So many balls of so few colors,” thought Linh. Only 7 colors and thousands of balls… Linh wondered if it were right, seeing the balls like this. Only seven colors? That can’t be right, they thought. So they counted on their fingers: “R-O-Y-G-B-I-V. Yes, only 7.” That’s the number they added up to from the rainbow. And after adding, Linh thought about a boy named Roy with the last name Biv and a middle initial of G. And they wondered if a boy with that name was someone on Earth, wishing he were at a Chuck E Cheese, waiting for a slice of pizza and a Coco Cola, counting the colors of the rainbow on his fingers.

The server was busy standing in the kitchen, telling the guys in the back that they needed one more slice of pizza for the evening, and did they know where close by there was to find a Coco Cola in a glass bottle. “Why in a bottle? We’ve got a soda fountain. What difference?” one of the guys said. “I dunno,” replied the server. “They said in a bottle. I don’t have a good reason for wanting to get it. I just do. I’m gonna go out to the corner and see if they have any.”

The server  went outside and turned the corner and walked right into the deli and all the way to the back of the store where the coolers held soda. They found the glass bottle Coca Colas right away, and gathered two in their hands and went to pay. The man behind the counter looked gruff, but he gave the server a nice smile and a nod when the bottles were placed in front of him.

“How many more would you like?” he asked.

“No, no. They aren’t for me anyways. Really I only need one.”

“Two is better than one tonight,” the man said. “I think it so important that you have two tonight, that I’m going to charge you for one, and the other one I’ll pretend was never there.”

The server handed him $2 and waited for the man to place them in a shopping bag. “How far are you going? How many bags do you feel like?” said the man.

“I guess I don’t need a bag,” said the server. The man smiled a little bigger at this, and whispered something under his breath the server didn’t quite hear, but they were too eager to give Linh the two bottles of Coca Cola to ask what the man had said. The server left quickly, turned the same corner as before – this time in the opposite direction – and entered through the backdoor of the Chuck E Cheese.

Linh was busy studying the dirt on one of the balls they’d picked out of the pit. The ball was orange. The dirt was black. Linh wanted to lick it to see what it might taste like, but thought better of it. They looked up from the ball and straight into the studied glare of the doorman, who apparently had been watching Linh the entire time. Linh smiled very big at the man, who smiled back but bigger. Linh took this as a challenge and smiled even bigger, which must have looked quite odd because the man stopped smiling at once, and went back to watching the screen on his phone.

Linh placed the orange ball back in its pit. Too dirty, Linh thought with a smile.

Linh returned to their chair, this time paying no attention to how many steps, or the way to perform them. So little attention was given, in fact, that by the time they were back sitting, they were wondering if they had ever gotten up in the first place.

The server entered back inside the dining area, and straight over to Linh. “Hello again! I found you two bottles of Coke. They were hiding deep in the cooler. It’s almost like they were waiting for you!”

“For me?” asked Linh drily. “But why me? Won’t anyone else have ever liked them first?” The server became nervous for only a moment before declaring, “I won’t lie to you. I went to the deli for them.” Linh grinned at the server. The server grinned back. “Won’t you join me?” asked Linh. “Unless you’re busy, which I’d understand completely. I imagine you’ve a lot to do.”

“You know, I have next to nothing to do right now. Honestly. I’d love to join you.” the server sat down in the chair Linh had pushed out from the table with their foot.

The two of them sat quietly for a moment, just looking at each other. Linh looked at the server. The server looked right back. Their eyes met and Linh smiled. “You look like you have eyes.” The server laughed, replying “And you.” They both smiled for a while longer. Not saying anything, but smiling.

One of the guys from the back – the one who had mentioned the soda fountain – came soon with the slice of pizza. “You know the best part about this particular slice of pizza?” said the guy with a grin. “It took me years to make.” Linh looked up at the guy and said, “How long have I been here?” To which the guy laughed and the server laughed and Linh laughed too.

“Cokes on me!” said the server. And they all laughed. 

Linh drank the entire soda in one long gulp, and looked at the server. “It’s nice. You’ve been kind. What do I owe you?”

The server smiled. “It’s free tonight, friend.”

“But nothing is free,” Linh replied. They then got up, reached for their wallet in their back pocket, and pulled out a twenty. “If there is change, keep it,” they said.

Linh then pushed the chair back in and sprinted out of the restaurant, with the server, the cook, and the doorman left staring. And wouldn’t you know it, Linh danced the whole way home.

 


Michael McGuire is a 31-year-old poet, songwriter, recording artist, and author. Over the past nine years, Michael has been prolific, releasing over 200 original songs, and self-publishing nine books. He is a 2020 LaGuardia graduate in the Creative Writing Program and will be continuing his studies in the UMASS Amherst English department in the Fall. He lives with his fiancee, Allie.

How to Starve Yourself

by Leslie Munoz-Reyes

It all starts in primary school, when you’re adored for your smallness. 

“She’s so cute,” your aunts would coo. “She looks just like a mouse,” your uncles would say as they lifted you above their heads with one arm .

“She’s not eating enough!” your mother would fret. “She looks too thin.”

 Your mother scolds you for not finishing your meals and worries about your appetite. She takes you to your yearly physical, to the building that stinks of antiseptic and floor cleaner, but there’s nothing seemingly abnormal with you.

“She can stand to gain a few pounds,” the doctor would say to your mother as she watched you brush your doll’s hair in a corner of the room. “But other than that there’s nothing to worry about.” 

He puts you on a high calorie diet and sends you home with a chart that tells you the nutritional value of a banana. And that was that.

Until a few years later when the girls in your class gain an interest in boys. Your mother encourages it openly. “Your father and I met at your age you know,” she reminisced, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as she retold how youthful they had been. “The boys in your class will probably start making eyes at you,” she teased. You sat and listened at the dinner table, ignoring the dull ache in your stomach. 

“Don’t encourage that. Boys these days say stupid things. They do things without a second thought,” your father said, shaking his head. He warns you about them, about their words that are sweet like honey – words that the girls in your class will trip over. “They’ll tell you lies to get what they want.” Your mother tells him to stop trying to scare you. “They’re just boys,” she says. “You were once one too you know.” He knew. 

You stood from the table to rinse your plate, a circle of blood left on your seat. Your mother celebrated; your father once again shook his head.

You don’t believe that boys are dangerous but you’re wary of them anyway, and so they left you alone. The girls in your class are less inclined to keep away. They asked and they prodded.

“Why aren’t you interested in them? In boys?” You shrug as you change for P.E., hiding the blood stain on your pants.

“You’re pretty, you have long dark hair that the boys could play with.” You hum in response, changing your bra under your shirt so they won’t see how much your breasts had swollen.

“You’re short so they won’t feel intimidated to approach you. You’re also so thin, with a frame so sleek that it would be engulfed in the arms of any man you chose.”

Why would anyone want that?”

Why? Because a man protecting such a frail thing like you is what’s expected. How do you expect to find a husband if you gorge yourself in sweets? Your mother expects a grandchild at some point, so of course you’ll need a husband. 

With that in mind, you start to starve. No one notices it at first. You start wearing clothing to hide your skin, you begin to skip meals throughout the week, after a while you stop having time for breakfast in the morning. Your mother complains. 

“Why don’t you wake up earlier and eat with us? You’ve been avoiding me” she cries.

“I’ll eat at school” you tell her, “I’ll buy something on the way. I love you.”

 You begin to exercise, using the excuse that it’s healthy to do so. You leave early to run to school, so your father starts to drive you. You run late in the night but your mother stays up to wait for you. You begin to take longer in the bathroom, doing squats and jumping jacks with the hot water running so they won’t hear you. Finally, you bring out the chart the doctor had given you and begin to count.

“One cup of watermelon has 46 calories, an egg has 72 calories, a slice of bread has 79 calories, a banana has 105.” You decide to only have the watermelon tomorrow.

 

 


Leslie Munoz is a sophomore at LaGuardia aiming for a career in accounting. She was born and raised in Queens, New York, to two Mexican immigrants. While literature isn’t a part of her degree, she does have a deep appreciation for it that started in her earlier years when she was (and still is) an avid reader. Currently, she is focused on graduating and later attending Baruch for a bachelor’s degree.

Golden Cage

by Carolyn Merino

The sun rubs its warm light on my face, the only way I’ve come to wake up. I’ve lost track of  the time and the day. I don’t care about the weather anymore. The closest I get to the outside is through a four-inch window built with steel bars that make the apartment feel like a cage. I get up to feel the air run through my hand and reminisce about the times I would bike so fast that the coolness of the breeze turned my ears red, ran through my shirt: how nicely my hair flapped in the wind. A moment that felt so close to flying. How much I’d give to have wings so I could fly on top of skyscrapers, through waves, grazing the water with one arm, or over a mountain, perhaps past a cloud; but for now, I’ll make my way to the kitchen. 

My mother sits at the end of the kitchen table, slouched as she scrolls through her Facebook feed, unable to sense I’m just a few feet away. As I pass by, she shakes her head in disbelief. “These people don’t know how to stay home, walking around the streets infecting innocent people, they can’t seem to sit their asses down and read a book.” For what feels like the first time our routines have been in sync. Wake up, eat, look at the news, ignoring one another for most of the day, eat again, and sleep. Silence usually fills the room; we separate ourselves by bedroom doors. We have an unspoken agreement to keep out of one another’s way. If any assistance is needed, we scream each other’s name.

Some days when I pass by her room, I can hear her sniffle while she prays. My reluctance to ask what’s wrong comes from her unwillingness to even touch my shoulder in sympathy. When I was twelve years old, my piano fell off its stand and broke. I cried for days because along with my piano being destroyed was a little girl’s dream of ever becoming a pianist. Her reaction — to get angry — frustrated me. No, it isn’t my dream anymore but that’s not what mattered at all. All I wanted was for mother to scoop me into her arms and promise to buy me a new one, even though we both knew she couldn’t afford it. 

Every afternoon I see mother slouched on the living room couch with a TV remote on one side and a hot coffee on another. The television screen is the only noise heard through our small apartment. The only guests during our time in quarantine were portraits of Christ, hung at the corners of our living room. Our only view is a painting of an aqua blue beach with clear skies, and two empty beach chairs facing one another on smooth sand. Mother had promised we’d go to France one day. We’ll eat chocolate croissants while we lay on their finest beach. Every now and then I’ll ask, “When?” She’d just shrug and say, “Someday.” At times she complained of how small our place is, the way our walls are too close together. The blue paint peeling from the walls revealed the white paint underneath. Being home for so long has made me notice new damages: like the kitchen chairs that are breaking apart, the lightbulb that doesn’t stop flickering, and cabinet doors that fall off when you open them. 

At some time, yesterday, perhaps the day before yesterday, I finished reading all my books. The news gets sadder each day, making it unbearable to watch. My head hurt from smelling so much detergent and fixing things throughout the house. I would fall asleep much later than I usually did, dragging myself to bed, to wake up to another day of solitude. 

While I lay in my bed, tears stream down my face, as if they were waiting for the right moment to pour down to my cheeks. My legs and arms shake from the insufferable chill I feel. I cover myself with a blanket too heavy to bear. I make my way to the bathroom to clean up my face. I look in the mirror to spot that my cheeks are pink, and my eyes red. I splash water on my face to rid myself of my salty tears. More than that, I want to rid myself of isolation.

I wonder if mother feels the same way too. 

I creep towards her bedroom. A sniff can be heard clearly through the door. I knock hoping she is asleep. But instead she calls me in. I stand by the door and ask, “May I sleep with you tonight?” Mother lightly taps the side of her bed and closes her eyes. Her room is a stranger to me, a forbidden place. The carpet is green and feels warm under my toes. The bed is pleasantly soft but squeaks as you climb on. Mother throws a blanket over my body. It has orchids all over, the most comfortable one I’ve been in. As I close my eyes, mother’s hand gently grazes my cheek. When I was a little girl, she’d pinch my cheeks delicately, just to see them turn rosy pink: an act so playful, but done out of tenderness. A mere seconds later, mother’s hand stops and I feel her roll to her side. I do the same and drift off to sleep. 

That night I dream the best dream; mother and I fly hand in hand, over tall buildings, splashing water on each other’s faces, enjoying the chilly breeze, flying for an eternity. 

 


Carolyn Merino is a Mexican America writer born and raised in Queens, NY, where she lives with her three brothers and parents. She has a love for literature, art and music. She is studying Writing and Literature at LaGuardia Community College, where she will graduate from in the Summer 2020. She started off as an engineering major until she found a love for writing. Now she’s attempting to find her own voice in the world of storytelling and furthering her academic career in English literature at NYU, where she will be transferring in Fall 2020.

From 13 to 30

I don’t quite remember when I heard them for the first time: if it was on the radio, or if it was some recorded concert playing on TV. But I do remember tanning on the beach that summer by a shallow river in my hometown in Siberia and listening to them on my Walkman cassette player. It was kind of chilly outside, around low 70’s, but I did not care. I had just somehow gotten the new album of my favorite band and I was sinking into the low vibrations of the lead singer’s voice. Playing the song I liked most over and over and over… trying to understand the meaning of the words “piet drugih devchonok sok, poet im pesni” (he’s drinking juice of other girls and singing to them). I was 13. Of course the band had a male singer. Of course he was hot. And of course he ended up being my childhood crush. But Mumiy Troll was way more for me than a frivolous teenage obsession. My pure devoted love for them has lasted for 17 years.

The first show I went to was a mess: thousands of people, and me and my friend in the middle of the crowd. Jumping, yelling every song out loud, like our lives depended on it. I was carried away from my friend in the fanatic madness. I couldn’t move; there was just no room to. There was no separation between bodies; we were so jammed into each other, that when the wave of movement came, I was just carried along with it. All the same songs, loved by so many people: beat and rhythm and Iliya’s touching voice. I ended up breaking a heel on my boots at that show. In Russia we wear heels just about everywhere.

It took me some time to collect myself back together afterwards. My friend was nowhere to be found and I decided to wait for people to clear out, after the lights went back on. There were maybe just a few hundred or so of us left at the venue. And there he was again: my crush, on the stage of the now well-lit venue, with the stage lights and projectors off, wearing a white, half-buttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up, singing my favorite song “Delfini” (Dolphins). No band. No drums. Just acoustic guitar and his mesmerizing low voice almost whispering, “Tonesh, tonesh, ne potonesh, ti slomaeshsya odnazhdi.” (Drowning, drowning, never really drowning, one day you will break apart). I have been waiting for that one song all night. Up until this moment, I still have no idea what made him come back on stage again. But to the 17 year old fan seeing my idol that close was like a miracle.

I don’t think being a true fan means obsessing over something 24/7. Time flew by, I was getting older, and of course my music tastes didn’t stop at one band. Yet somehow Mumiy Troll always felt precious to my heart. They were a part of me, carrying so many of my stories: even miles and oceans away from home, the warm memories of familiar tunes kept me smiling through stormy days.

It must have been my second year in the US; I was about to turn 21, when I found out MT would be playing at the Webster Hall. Here in New York, Russian bands do not rock stadiums, but their shows do get sold out in smaller venues. That night I was in the front row, holding on to the gate separating me from the stage. First ones to get there and the last ones to leave, with no bathroom breaks: we were committed to be at the front.

“MU-MIY-TROOL! MU-MIY-TROOL!” Punga showed up on stage and ran to take his seat at the drum set. Zhenya Sdvig walked towards his bass, waving to the excited crowd. Then Yura came along. A new member of the band, not sure what his name was, awkwardly trotted on stage. “MU-MIY-TROLL! MU-MIY-TROLL!” We kept on, impatiently loud and cheerful. After testing our enthusiasm enough, Iliya finally danced his way on to the stage, with an ear-to-ear smile and sparkling eyes. It was like I was back into my childhood again, unwrapping the most desired Christmas present. I still remembered the words to every song and was singing at the top of my lungs. But this time I wasn’t lost in the crowd, carried away by its motions. This time I was holding on strongly to the cold metal, fighting for my spot by the stage. The crowds are merciless –you give up your spot, you lose it — and so they were pushing hard into my back, leaning their weight against me.

One of the reasons I love seeing Mumiy Troll live is because part of their shows is interacting with the crowd. Even though it is a set number and order of songs, the energy is often created by how motivated the band is to play and how well they support the dialogue with the crowd. The signature part of that communication for Mumiy Troll is giving one of the secondary mics to the public for a female part in “Medveditsa” (Great Bear). Well: guess who was the lucky girl that night? As the song began and the crowd realized it was “Medvedica,” Iliya handed the mic right to me. Of course my first reaction was to freeze, but that didn’t last long, and as the song continued I started singing, “V slezah parnishka, emy sovrala ya nemnozhko” (The boy is crying; I lied to him a little). My friends joined me shortly after the first two lines, but our group had the mic for the whole song and got a taste of live karaoke with Mumiy Troll. That experience was so surreal. I could not contain my happiness; that night I conquered the World and was crowned The Queen.

Seventeen years is a long time to be loyal to one band. The meaning of that same lyric to “Devochka” (The Girl) that I could not figure out when I was 13 has changed multiple times. Now when I go to their shows I simply observe the scene from the back of the venue, staying away from crowds; I have become more mature, but I am still a little crazy about Mumiy Troll. Every time they come to NYC I am there as a true supportive fan, geared up with perfect knowledge of the lyrics to most of their songs.

Mumiy Troll and I have been through a lot – from my Walkman cassette player on the beach in Siberia, to singing along with my childhood crush on the island of Manhattan. From the first love and tears, to relationships, and break-ups, and new relationships. From listening to one song on repeat to chasing after the lead singer to get a picture with him. From 13 to now 30. Throughout my life one thing has stayed constant: the warm velvet voice of Mumiy Troll brings me a feeling of belonging — and reminds me where I am from, when I feel lost.

 


Diana Athena started to develop an interest in writing as a teenager, writing poems and short stories. After moving to New York from Russia when she was 19 years old, Diana has rediscovered her passion for using the art of words to express herself and has started exploring writing in English. After performing one of her poems as her monologue in an acting class and receiving positive feedback from her acting coach, Diana knew that writing was her calling. Diana is currently working on getting her AA in creative writing at LaGuardia Community College.

The Bickering Mule

by Raki Jordan

Harlem’s streets are never  dull. There’s the constant sound of scattering rats and swerving cars and car horns and babbling talking tongues, and music blaring beats from the windows  hovering over your head. And there’s always that old man—that old mule, dressed in army attire, a black leather beret, with a salt & pepper beard covering half of his face. He’s living twelve lifetimes and reciting every single one of them. He contributes to the sounds of the city’s streets. He’s the corner store’s podcast, live commentary and talk-show blues: sitting on kitchen chairs,  chained up to the nearest tree during the day, corroded by Earth’s elements. The old man spends his days catching shade beneath trees near bodegas, dangling cigarettes, Colt 45s and his wooden cane between his fingers. He sits between West 144th street and Frederick Douglass Boulevard, antagonizing youngins he watched grow up with his bickering wisdom.

 “You see, I been done did, wha’ you never did, youngin’. Way before you was swimmin’ in yah daddy’s ballsac’ boy. I bare wounds as ol’ as your mother’s mother. Ask your grandma, boy. She kno’ who I be. I was tha’ smooth talkin’ throat bandit. I spoke saxophone tunes to wo’man back in ma days. You probably ma grandchild.” The old man said. “Oh yea boy. I fought in two wars an’ seen death shake his behin’ in ma face wearin’ ah leatha’ pink thong!” He laughed out loud, banging his cane on the floor.

“Aye, mane, calm down,” the young man said. “You stay botha’ing me, every single day. You know you ain’t fought in no war. You just walk around witha Dollar Tree milla’tary badge and ah thrift store army jacket!”

“I kno’ you blind now boy. This badge tha’ pierced on ma chest is from Viah’nam!” The old man responded back, “Check it out, playa.” 

“I’m good, mane. I can see da plastic from here. Now if you excuse me, I have places to go and I only came here foe ah Arizona.” He started to walk towards the curb, zipping down his red bubble coat from Nike.

Pigeon, dressed in his usual black cargo pants and leather coat he had since the 70s, stood in front of the Bodega making an owww sound in response to the young man’s diss. “Damn, Mule. You gon’ let tha’ boy disrespeck you like tha’?” Pigeon said, waving around a bottle wrapped in a brown bag. “You don’ lost yah touch. You smell tha’?!” Pigeon yelled out, “You have to smell it!” Pigeon made a loud sniffing noise, drawing out the sound to exaggerate the action, “I smell pu—”

“You don’t smell shit, Pigeon!” The old man snapped. “Al’way try’na see ah fight between us.” He turned to the boy. “Ana’ways, you should respeck ah war hero, boy”

 “Who me?” The young man said, stopping to dig in his right pants pocket to use his phone.

“Yes, you! I fough’ ova’seas twice!” He thrown his two fingers in the air, “Twice dammit!”

“Okay. . . What tha’ have to do with me?”

 “Everythang.” The old man glanced down at the bulge sticking from the young man’s shirt, it was something tucked tightly in his jeans. “You should sah’loot me when yah see me. Give me respeck!”

“Respeck? Oh nah, son. He’s buggin.'” The Young man laughed out, “I ain’t givin’ you shit but’ah hot five. Maybe ah pat on the back if da day nice.” He proceeded to type on his phone screen for a short moment. “But respeck? Nah. I give if it is received.” “In My Feelings” by Drake began to blast above their heads from the apartment window above the bodega.

 “See this is wha’ wrong with you young bulls today,” The Old man said, “Y’all all strength an’ rage, but lack respeck fo’ da eldas.”

“But wha’ tha’ have to do with respeck?”

“Back’n ma days, we showed eldas respeck, even if they curse our name an’ spit on us!” the Old man said. “An’ we—”

“Wait! Spit on y’all? Ha! I be damn if—”

“Yes! Spit. Especially by da folks tha’ still thought it was Jim Crow. An’ you kno’ wha’ we did?” the Old Man asked, leaning forward, lifting his right eyebrow up.

 “Wha—”

“Nothin’!” the old man snapped. “We smile and said hav’a good day ma’am or sir, an’ nothin’ else.” He waved his hands in a horizontal chopping motion, like a referee shouting safe at a baseball game.

“Oh no no no. This ain’t da 1960s, we different now. Eldas are human just like us young people, an’ if they caint respeck us like human beings then they would be treated how they treat us.”

“I blame da mothas’ and fathas’” The old man spat on the floor beside himself.

“An’ I blame da eldas. Now I gotta go, mane, you can botha’ me tomar’row.”

“Wait now boy, ain’t you gonna tell me to hav’ah nice day?” 

“Ain’t you gonna tell me! You done lived yah days, let me live mines.” The sounds of police sirens echoed from two blocks down, following the sounds of ambulances and Drake’s voice blasting from the windows above.

“Boy if ma knees was’it bang up, wooo child, I whoop yah behind like yah motha shoulda!”

“Yea, yea, yea.”

“I tellin’ yah I would.” The old man took a sip from his Colt 45. “I tellin’ yah boy. I tellin yah.”

The old man couldn’t help but to think about the bulge sticking out from the young man’s shirt. The shape of it looked like an L. He stared sourly as the young man proceeded to walk across the street. He thought of the kind of outfit the young man was wearing. Ripped jeans, he thought, wha’ kind of man wear ripped jeans? In ma day, you would’nit catch tha’ type of clothing on ah fella. We was men. Soldiers. We fought in tha war an’ came on home, muddy boots an’ all, just to fight ah nu’tha war. Then he thought about the bulge, what is that bulge? It caint be ah gun, his mama ain’t gon’ let him have ah gun in tha house.

He slammed down his homemade cane and let off a huffing sound. “Aye, you dustee basta’ why you ain’t bac’ me up?” 

“Listen, mule mane, I ain’t gettin’ involve in no argumen’ with you an’ tha’ young fella,” Pigeon said. “Besides, y’all al’ways go at it.”

“Man, you ain’t worth two cents to ah dime, you kno’ tha’ right?”

“Aye, I sip to tha,’” Pigeon said, sipping loudly from his bottle. “Aye, baby! We still on foe dominoes tonight?” Tim yelled out from across the street towards Pigeon, “You damn right! I wan’ ma money back!” Pigeon shouted back.

The old man kept thinking about the bulge sticking from the young man’s shirt, and knew he had to do something. He threw down his Colt 45 and the can rattle loudly, rolling on the concrete. He yelled out from across the street, “Aye, boy!” He limped quickly off the pavement, maneuvering swiftly like he was back in the forest of Vietnam.

“Damn, son. Wha’ you want now? I caint even walk across da street without you stoppin’ me,” the young boy said, still walking, never breaking rhythm in his steps.

“I deman’ respeck! An’ if yah momma did’nit teach yah, I will!” The old man made a stiff hop on the elevated pavement across the street, catching his balance with his cane. His jagged knee isn’t what it used to be, but he’d be damned if he’ll let that stop him from installing respect in the young man’s mind.

“Respeck fo’ what?” The young man stopped walking and turned around. “You’s drunk boy, you needa go somewhere,” waving his hand in the air, shooing the old man away.

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere boy. You need to listen to me. Maybe then yah be ah man. ‘Cause I see no man toll’ you how too! I fough’ in the war against ma own will an’ I ain’t complain ’bout it, try runnin’ away from it, or carried ma pride in’ah gun. Why? ‘Cause ra’sponsibility conquers stupidity, an’ I ain’t no fool now boy.” Now, the old man and the young boy stood face to face. The old man’s back was slightly hunched, causing his height of six feet to decrease. As for the young man, his bones were still healthy, full with youth. It looks like he was hovering over the old man, but they are the same height. “And I ain’t drunk! I had one can of beer, but tha’ nun of your concer’ now is it?” He paused. “No it ain’t.”

Pigeon yelled from across the street, “Mule, mane, leave tha’ boy ‘lone. He ain’t try’na hea’ wha’ you givin’ him. Let him be.”

“Yea, leave me be or get yah point across old man. Why you botherin’ me more than usual?” A couple of kids ran towards them. One kid’s basketball rolled towards the young man’s feet, and he kicked it back towards them. It rolled between the old man’s legs and into the street. “Dang, you could’da picked it up,” one of the kids said, while they all ran for the ball.

The old man stepped closer to the young man, “I see ah’lot of myself in you, besides da tight clothin’ you got on.” He zipped up his camouflage jacket, the cold crisp air was starting to get to him.

“Tha’ funny, ’cause I don’t see myself. Good day man, I got things to do, business to handle.”

“Boy, you have no business to handle. None at all. Just stay h’air an’ talk to me ’bout how to be ah’ man.” The old man started to feel desperate. He wanted to keep this young bull from going.

“I al’ready am, playa. Peace.” The young boy walked off, cracking open his Arizona bottle and taking a sip from it. He turned back one last time and waved at the old man. “And ma mama said hi!”

“Tell Carol she raised ah bastar’ son!” The old man yelled back, standing with his left hand loosely gripping his cane. The young man’s group of friends was waiting for him at the corner. Their loud greetings of AYO’s echoed throughout the street. Making the old man suck his teeth in disappointment and annoyance.

You caint save all em, The old man thought, Got dammit. At lease’ I tried. I tried an’ tha’ all tha’ mat’tas. This new generation is killin’ em ownselves. Why. . . Why? ‘Cause deer no one to teach em how to be ah man! Geezus, I tried, got dammit. I tried. The old man took a cigarette out from his left jacket pocket. He put the cigarette in his mouth and then took out his lighter he had found on the floor earlier that day; he spat on the floor, then covered the cigarette from the wind and lit it. He took a long drag from it and slowly blew it out, still standing in that same spot the young man left him at. He was deeply reflecting on his conversation with the boy; it reminded him of the conversation he had with his father when he was the boy’s age, before he was drafted to the Vietnam war.

The old man limped back across the street, disregarding the car that suddenly stopped, almost hitting him. The driver honked their horn in anger. The old man was tired and drained from a pointless conversation. He sat down on the chair that was chained against the tree. “Mane, why you ain’t help me? Said sumthang, anythang.”

“You caint help, wha’ don’t wan’ to be helped. Tha’ a foolish thang to do. Like whispain’ unda’ ah wata’fall.” Pigeon said to the old man.

Yea, but it woulda been betta if two people was tryna talk to him, than just me, the old man thought. He just stared at his friend, not even saying a word, taking puffs from his cigarette.

“Don’t beat yah’self ova’ yah head. Caint make ah boy ah man, if he neva’ was meant to be.”

 “I don’t wan’ to talk to you anymore. I’m goin’ home, you low down dirt’e pigeon bastar’.” The old man got up and flicked the butt of the cigarette on the floor, and then pressed the end of his cane on the burning remains.

“Befoe you go, you old mule. . . Why was you on tha’ boy so hard? You kno’ Carol ain’t raised him wrong.”

The old man turned around, “’Cause. . . He had da look of death on his face. Same face I seen’t  in war. Naive. An’ he done had ah gun pokin’ out his tight ass shir’”

“Wait now, you sure he had ah gun?” Pigeon said quickly.

“I sure it was’it ah gun. . . I kno’ guns, but it oughta be. Tha’ young fella probably done got those fake poppa guns. . . you kno’ those plastic joints, with ah. . . da ah. . . orange tips from the corna store.”

“Oh, tha’ ain’t no big deal, you crazy bastar’, all these kids doin’ tha’ now. Make them feel tough.”

 “Yea. . . an’ all them kids are gettin’ killed by cops.” The old man started walking. “I tried, I should’da just asked him wha’ tha’ bulge was, but you kno’ kids, they don’t listen.” He took out another cigarette, and waved off to Pigeon.

 

The next day, broadcasting on the old man’s television screen came crippling words:

Last night, a young man by the name of Jerome Eli Howard Jr had been shot and killed. Police officers had got a call of a suspicious person and later tried to apprehend the suspect, but had mistaken his toy gun for a real one and had opened fire several times. There are investigations being made on the officers involved and they had been suspended, with pay, until further notice. Footage of the ordeal surfaced on the internet causing controversy and outrage. On a more appealing note; a mother cat caring for a puppy? Find out after the break.

The old man sighed, Got dammit.

 


Raki Jordan is an avid reader, who enjoys writing pieces that’ll encourage thought-provoking interpretations of his works. Jordan is inspired by his everyday life, capturing the often bitter sweetness of his environment and society.